I’m a little nervous about posting this, but thankfully I have close to zero followers and I’ve hidden the identity of the other person.
This other person, we’ll call him Bob, has been floating in my life for almost a year. We met at a young adult Catholic group. After the first night we met, Bob asked me to eat dinner with him (if you’re curious about what his intentions were, so am I). We ate dinner, hung out once more one-on-one if I recall correctly, and then drifted apart after that. He pursued meeting up a couple more times, specifically inviting me to other Catholic young adult stuff, but I declined because it truly was a busy point in my life and I couldn’t.
I heard from him again, this time a simple reach-out text. He asked how my life was going. At the time, I was trying to find new housing, my grandmother was sick, I was in trouble at work, I was lonely, and things were generally stressful. I replied “It’s going ok”. He replied “Come on, can’t you give me more than that?”. This time, I wrote a full-on confession essay of all the things mentioned above. Well, what does he do but replies like any man does and lectures me on how to fix/feel better about all aforementioned ailments.
I reply to him and say, watch this video:
To which he replies with another lengthy text about how I should fix myself. Before I flip out on him, I give him one last chance and tell him I don’t need him to fix me, I’m not broken. He texts me back one last time and says something to the effect of “Haha you should listen to my advice”.
I about lost it. I didn’t lose it on him, it wasn’t worth it, but in my head I lost it at him. Honestly I don’t remember how the conversation ended, but I know he knew I was upset with him.
He texts me while I’m in my last relationship and I told him we couldn’t talk because I’m in a relationship. I have this belief that men and women can’t be friends. It has been proven to be true in my experiences time and time again, but that’s another blog post.
He texted me today. I told him I was doing well and that my ex and I broke up. Here’s how he replied.
A couple things to note. I have high standards for relationships and a low tolerance for being treated like crap. In these situations I bring up my feelings with the other person in as loving as a manner I can. Often times, because society is all “I’m the way I am and if you don’t like it eff off” even if the person is wrong, people react negatively to this feedback. This is also because egos exist. In these instances I will remove the person from my life. So far, the people I have done this to have tried to re-enter my life, because, and I’ll brag a little here, I’m awesome and I treat people very generously, I uplift, and I live with integrity. Bob is exhibit B. Exhibit A was a landlord/roommate who financially screwed me over. Another blog post for another time.
The next thing to note is this lack of intentionality again. This whole “catching up” thing. What for? So I can be a good influence on your life and you can use me? So we can be friends? Not sure where this is going…
This will rule out any positive influence argument. It also clarifies my feelings on so-called “platonic” relationships. Here’s the rest:
Ahh, bingo. Got to the root of it, he wants to go on a date. Huge turnoff that it has taken him this long to ask, but whatever I get it.
Now I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place for two reasons. One, I keep having ping pong brain about whether to say yes or no. On one hand, he would treat me really well, and I know this because of how we’ve interacted before. From my last relationship, I learned that I should value this more than some other things and vowed to take that more seriously when dating (I’ll get to this further in a second). On the other hand, he is missing a lot of things I am looking for (again, I’ll get to this further in a second) and I don’t want to lead him on thinking he doesn’t have eight thousand obstacles to overcome before I would consider seriously dating him.
I tried as gently as I could to turn him down and give him a good reason (see situation from before, where he dismissed my feelings). I also try to hint at these other reasons I wouldn’t seriously consider dating him by sending him the link to this article “How to Catch a Wife”. It’s a really straightforward article about how men can get their acts together to marry a woman. Disclaimer, I do not agree with all it has to say, but I do think a majority of it holds true.
Then comes the second rock and hard place. After denying him, he practically guilt trips me, even if unintentionally. “You didn’t even give me a chance, you’re wrong about me, but whatever that’s your choice” is how I interpreted his reply. Now, I have the ability to respond and go into all the other reasons why I won’t date him and hurt his ego, or I can leave it be. What’s the loving thing to do? I’m not so sure, but at least he should know I felt guilty for saying no. I wish he would’ve said “I respect your choice” and left it at that.
Now, for the harsh honesty. There are two big barriers in my dating him. One, physical fitness and two, financial prosperity. I’ll quote the article, which was written by a man:
“Money, Power, Status. If you can get more, do so. Women love money, power, and status, and it’s real convenient for family formation.
Physical Fitness. Don’t be fat. Don’t be skinny. Be strong. Train with barbells. You need to be able to throw her around and impress her with your physique.”
I have very personal reasons why these things are important to me. You can believe all you want that they are superficial, but to me they hold infinite value. Couples argue most often about money. I would like to be a stay at home mom. Bob makes less than half of what I make in a year, and I don’t make a lot. My dad had to have heart bypass surgery in his early 50s. I’m scared neither of my parents will live long enough to see me have kids because of their health. My partner needs to prioritize his health. Bob does not.
Is it important that he knows this? Is it my role to tell him? I don’t know. This is something I struggle with a lot. This is why I value the mentors and friends in my life. They have full permission to tell me when I need to improve. And they do. Sometimes I don’t listen and learn things the hard way, and sometimes I listen after some time to analyze it, but I still listen and appreciate them pointing out how I can be better. They do it with love.
I think as long as I’m always doing it with the intention of love, God will know, and that’s what matters.
Men, if you’re reading this, become the person you want to attract. It’ll become way easier to date. And please, please try not to guilt women when we reject you.