What a crazy couple weeks it’s been! Re-cap: WI-MA-CO-RI.
I’ll be doing more posts about my adventures, but I wanted to start with last night’s-my friend’s wedding.
This picture was taken before the reception and after the ceremony. Yes, I look beautiful (despite the few things I could point out I don’t like) and genuinely happy.
What you don’t see is me fifteen minutes earlier crying in the car ride because I was going to another wedding that wasn’t mine. Crying because my friend has miraculously found her soulmate and I’m being bitter about it. Crying because I’m so mad at myself for being bitter. Praying desperately to release this hurt to God, only to feel like He isn’t listening. Yelling at God about my frustrations.
I don’t know what to do to get out of this funk. I’m trying a lot of different things, like keeping busy, reading God is a Matchmaker, reminding myself of all the couples I know who met later in life, listening to John and Lisa Bevere’s most recent (and appropriately timed) podcast about desolation, being active on dating apps, and conversing with my friend Steph.
I was about to say healing takes time and I should have more patience, but I’m not really healing from anything. Loneliness was the only hurt Adam experienced before sin entered the world.
Steph and I share a lot of the same struggles. We’re both very driven and have our life together. We’re used to having
control the ability to go and get what we want and make things happen. This is the one area in our lives that we really can’t do anything but sit back and wait.
God has proven so many times in my life that he will make things happen as they are supposed to when they are supposed to. Why am I so discouraged in this?
Honestly I know I could be married tomorrow if I really wanted. Ok, not tomorrow, but within the year. I could settle for some guy who isn’t a man and live the rest of my life in misery over it. My self image is too high for that.
Listening to Ed Sheeran somehow gives me all kinds of comfort. There’s something about his energy and lyricism that brings me great pleasure. Maybe it’s because I live vicariously through his love life. One lyric, in “New Man” stands out to me:
“When you’re with him, I know you’re lonely”
My friend who was married yesterday reminds me that you can be in a relationship and be lonely, too. I learned that with my last relationship. It still doesn’t help what I’m feeling.
I know I need to resign this to God and stop putting so much pressure on the things I am doing-like going out on dates and conversations on dating apps.
While I was at my business conference in WI the leader said “What question are you afraid to ask God because you want your plan to be the answer?” That for me is marriage. Maybe I’m not supposed to get married.
Then I listen to “ask and you shall receive.” Is that only applicable to certain things? Or am I asking the wrong questions? Is it about my desires or is it about asking for God’s will?
So many unanswered questions. So much more to learn.
Pray for me and my future husband, please.