Faith-Why am I so upset?

We had gone on three dates. He seemed great. We made each other laugh, he paid, he drove down from Nashua a couple times, he was very respectful. He fed me all the right lines. On Wednesday at around 6pm we made plans to meet on Thursday. Wednesday at 9pm, I received this text:

“I haven’t been entirely transparent with how I feel towards this. When you asked me today if we were still going to hang out, I was hesitant. Throughout our date on Monday I was having mixed emotions; ones that I don’t think I should be having this early in a relationship. I’m not feeling the chemistry I think I should have at this point. I’m sorry for not saying this earlier, and I’m sorry for sort of blind siding you with this.”

It was a complete blind side. I deleted his number and the conversation. Unmatched him on the dating app. Blocked him on snapchat.

I didn’t cry until the next morning. I had to teach spin class, and the only thing that held me together was one of my regular and loyal attendees. I cried from the gym to work.

I texted the group of friends I had been updating about this guy. One of them replied back, “Why are you so upset?”

She didn’t mean it in a sassy way, she really is trying to understand. To be honest, I wish I completely understood.

I have been thinking on this a lot.

I’m upset because I don’t have faith there will be someone who will love me.

I am scared to death I’ll never get married, and I’ll have to live this life alone.

I am tired of having to do things all by myself. Drive to NH in the worst fog of my life, stressing me out to no end. Having to manage my finances and make big decisions on my own. Dealing with my car issues. Not going to get my wisdom teeth out because I have no one to drive me to and from the dentist. No “Good night” texts. “I’m thinking of you” texts. Dinner dates. Valentine’s Day. I am tired of being independent. Hearing “You’re so awesome, it’s the men”

There has to be something wrong with me. Do I not flirt enough? Am I not girly/feminine enough? Am I too desperate and it shows? I fucking give up. I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what this chemistry thing is. What more can I do to create it? How the hell is it supposed to happen between two complete strangers?

I’ve lost all hope that I’ll ever find someone. I’m not sure I’ll ever get it back.

I guess I’m upset because I am defeated. It’s not a numbers game, I’ve been through a lot of numbers. It’s not going to change in a heartbeat, it’s never changed in a heartbeat. It’s not that there’s nothing wrong with me, every other girl I know has not gone this long without a long relationship or one that has started spontaneously. There has to be.

What gives? What is it? I’m out of ideas. I’m upset.

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