F cubed- Update Post

Somehow months go by and I haven’t posted. It’s a reflection of my priorities. Lately I’ve been in bed by 8pm, if that says anything.

Finance: Things are chugging along. I received raises in most of my hourly pays: TED, Spin instructor and ConforMIS. ConforMIS bumped up the 401k match to half of 5%. I felt the effect of the tax cuts and have bigger take home pay. I think I’m going to be able to sign up for a cheaper health insurance program. We are actually getting an end of the year bonus at ConforMIS. I put away $1200/mth for my downpayment on a house, not including TED income (usually another $300/month). I’ve only pulled from this account twice in the last year, to pay for heat and to fill my Roth IRA yearly contribution. I bought a ticket to Houston to visit my friend. Something I promised I would do after I paid off my debts, and finally I’m doing it. I leave Thursday!

Things I’m struggling with: Do I pay off my car? Can I eliminate working Sundays at the gym? How can I be better at plugging into God to provide for me?

Fitness: I have been decently consistent with lifting 3xWeek. I’m still not able to do a pull up. I am getting better and better muscle definition, and I love my legs. I hurt my back recently but I think it’s a lot better. My abs are a ton stronger from title. I still love title, but can’t wait to start running again when the warmer weather comes. My diet hasn’t been the best, for one excuse or another. I am re-examining my meals and adding salads back in (I got sick of them!) I think I am on the brink of really making/seeing progress.

Things I’m struggling with: With me everything is slow. I keep beating myself up about my diet, which doesn’t help. Being injured. Incorporating Yoga.

Faith: Struggle bus. I’m really, really hopeless that God’s will for me is to find a husband.

Here’s the deal. People think that I am too desperate when I go on dates and it shows. So I’m taking a three month hiatus. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do during it. “Keep focusing on myself and being happy with myself”. I don’t know why people don’t understand this, but I am happy with myself, I do love myself. I’m hurt and I’m lonely. Adam was lonely before the fall, it was his only hurt before sin entered the world. That’s my hurt. Maybe God doesn’t want me married. Thinking about that makes me cry, so I don’t. The place I’m in is really difficult. It’s really difficult to be happy for other people moving on with their lives-getting married and having babies. One of my friends is having a baby, and in a moment of breakdown sobbing about losing hope of finding the one, she told me she has problems too. Problems of being pregnant, trying to balance work, being a mom, and being a wife. All I could think was that I would trade my problems for her in a heartbeat.

I keep listening to the Faith Life Church podcast. It frustrates me that I’m not at their level of faith. I know I should be a lot further and more of a light for Christ, but it’s been a struggle lately.

I’m in the professional beat myself up club. I don’t know how to stop wanting to be perfect.

I keep praying, because I don’t know what else to do. So that’s something. I’ve been diving deeper into exercising and contributing at work. I’m hoping my heart will change soon. I know there’s a really dark, black spot on it right now and I want to change it.

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